


love me in the middle of your lowest night

by dearfelix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, PLEASE READ TAGGED TRIGGER WARNINGS CAREFULLY, most are just implied but to be safe...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 15:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13977993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearfelix/pseuds/dearfelix
Summary: It had begun to rain outside so the pitter patter of raindrops hitting the roof filled the distance between them. Against the dimly lit hallway and room, Felix seemed extra vibrant and vivid. To the rhythm of the rain, in that muted gray setting, Changbin's heart beat steadily.





	love me in the middle of your lowest night

**Author's Note:**

> ***PLEASE READ TAGGED TRIGGER WARNINGS CAREFULLY*** although i don't get too explicit about it, large parts of this story are centered around eating disorders, emotional / psychological abuse, and other triggering themes.
> 
> i started this with an actual plot in mind but then it just uhhh........anyway! look! actual capitalization and an attempt at proper punctuation. still unedited / unbeta'd though lmao.

 

 

 

 

Changbin fell in love with Felix not when he first met him or even when they started going out in his last year of high school, but a full two years after the start of their relationship.

 

In high school, they were both attractive, popular, and smart. They ticked off all of the boxes neatly. When news broke out that Felix had ended his toxic relationship with star soccer player Hyunjin, it made sense in Changbin’s teenage boy mind to ask out the younger boy.

 

He expected to date the Felix for a short time, like he had with his slew of past boyfriends and girlfriends, and then break it off before the summer going into college. An easy, clean few months of fun, nothing too deep. After all, beyond their good reputations, they seemingly had nothing in common.

 

Changbin _breathed_ music. To strangers, he appeared sullen and unapproachable, often dressed in chic black and face set in a stern frown. To his friends, he was mercilessly sarcastic but also endlessly warm and kind when times called for it. He thought of himself as someone with a whole lot of sharp edges. Felix, on the other hand, loved dancing and sports, anything that made the body feel alive. Changbin would describe him as the color yellow in human form—an amalgamation of bright smiles and crinkly eyes, sunkissed freckles, unadulterated optimism, and a sort of energy that naturally drew people in. The melodramatic artsy side of Changbin thought of them as the moon and sun, unable to coexist in the same sky.

 

So, he never expected to start falling slowly, deeply, and completely in love with Felix.

 

The final moment, the moment that cushioned his long fall, took place on a cloudy morning during his second year in college and Felix’s first. He had lifted his fist up to Felix’s dorm room door, ready to knock, when it swung open to reveal his disgruntled boyfriend. Clad in Changbin’s oversized sweats that he had left behind the other night, Felix stifled a yawn and blinked slowly to focus his eyes.

 

“Good morning, Changbin,” he greeted, voice deep and scratchy from sleep but somehow still cute. A small smile stretched across Felix’s face, ready to burst into one of his signature beaming smiles, and Changbin couldn’t help but give one in return.

 

It had begun to rain outside so the pitter patter of raindrops hitting the roof filled the distance between them. Against the dimly lit hallway and room, Felix seemed extra vibrant and vivid. To the rhythm of the rain, in that muted gray setting, Changbin's heart beat steadily.

 

And that was the final moment. In the most anticlimactic way, he realized that Felix was it; he was the boy Changbin wanted to wake up to every morning for the rest of his life. In all the chaos of adulthood, a piece of Changbin’s future fell into place.

 

 

 

 

That’s why they’re there for each other during their highest highs and lowest lows.

 

When Changbin found out that his submission into a song production competition had progressed into the final round, Felix shelled out all of his measly savings to help fly his boyfriend out to California. When Changbin’s mother barely made it alive out of a car accident, Felix cried harder than him and refused to leave the hospital until he did.

 

Changbin was there when Felix helped lead his college dance team to second place at a national competition. He even brazenly rushed on stage and kissed the younger in front of everyone (earning them a few shocked gasps but mostly loud cheers).

 

And Changbin is there for Felix now because he is at a low, once again. From the outside, the blonde seems put together, confident, and happy; but inside, he's falling through the cracks.

 

Changbin still remembers that night a couple of years ago when he walked in on Felix, slumped on the bathroom floor, a finger shoved down his throat as he wretched into the toilet. Changbin stood frozen at the bathroom door, one foot in and one foot out, watching in a confused daze as Felix forced himself to throw up the measly portion of food he had eaten for lunch. In the back of his mind he understood what was happening, but it didn’t make sense—Felix was already thin, maybe even too thin for his frame. When the younger looked up and spotted him, a look of panic flashed across his face. His lips quivered and his large brown eyes were wider than usual.

 

“Changbin,” He stammered, dirtied hand swinging limply by his side, “I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I’m really sorry...”

 

Changbin was at a loss of words. He was just as scared as the other looked. He walked toward Felix slowly and gathered him tightly in his arms, rubbing soothing circles to calm his trembling frame.

 

“Baby, no, _I’m_ sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m so, so sorry.”

 

Between the two of them that night, there were too many apologies. It was hard and, even now, Changbin feels an ache in his heart at the image of his boyfriend slumped on the bathroom floor, looking lonelier and more miserable than he could have ever fathomed. People have always gravitated toward Felix and he usually seemed cheerful and positive. To Changbin, the thought that he promised to love and care for the younger boy yet wasn’t able to see through the obvious mask weighed heavily on his mind.

 

 

 

 

Fast forward to now, Changbin’s final year in college. Every aspect of his life seems to be running full speed toward a looming finish line.

 

Changbin swears that he loves Felix more and more with each passing day, even though it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes Felix makes marked improvement in accepting himself and feeling comfortable in his own skin, but then there are “dark days” where all of the insecurity and anxiety comes crashing back down. Two steps forward, one and a half back. It’s been slow going, but it’s going.

 

With help and support in the form of warm hugs and words that are gentle on the heart, Changbin helps Felix battle his eating disorder and body image issues. On the increasingly rare occasion that disgust crawls up Felix’s throat, Changbin patiently pulls back his hair as he bends over the toilet, coaxing out the food sitting heavily in his stomach. He usually cries afterward because he’s ashamed and disappointed in himself—how much longer will this go on? will it ever end?—but the older gives him nothing short of unconditional support.

 

Changbin is careful and considerate even though the process is distressing for him too. Felix knows the patience stems from love. It’s this love that keeps him going, keeps him determined every day to get better.

 

“You’re too good for me.”

 

“You mean, _to_ you?” Changbin asks, not quite understanding the implication.

 

“No... _for_ me.”

 

Due to years of struggling with bulimia and body dysmorphia, Felix struggles to eat normally. The words “fat” and “carbs” and “calories” still twist his stomach into knots. Changbin tries to ease him in with light snacks and smaller portioned meals but, as thankful as Felix is for the effort, the fear of gaining weight makes eating anything, much less a full meal, unbearably difficult. Changbin isn’t discouraged though. He offers the other boy food regularly—sometimes just little things like an apple or some baby carrots—and gradually gets him to start eating these little snacks throughout the day and then, over time, little meals of salad or a healthy wrap or sometimes even perfectly measured out single servings of rice (205 calories, 44g of carbs, 0g of fat).

 

There’s still a long, daunting road ahead for Felix. It hurts Changbin to think that his boyfriend finds himself anything less than the most beautiful boy in the world, but he also knows that Felix hurts much, more more than he does. He doesn’t understand Felix’s thoughts because he hasn’t been through the same thing, but that’s okay. He at least understands that the younger needs him.

 

On “dark days,” Felix skips classes and locks himself up in his room. Changbin sometimes comes back to find the blonde sitting listlessly in front of his room’s full-length mirror in nothing but his boxers, blunt nails scratching angry red marks into his skin. The marks are frightening to see; they mar his sides and arms and legs, winding a path along his body. There’s a small “x” on his chest where he thinks there’s too much fat, but Changbin can see his rib cage prominently.

 

Changbin would drop down to his knees and catch the other’s wrists, grip firm, humming soothingly as he bends down to kiss the red marks.

 

 _I love you_ , his kisses say.

 

A some point, the slight texture of the red marks begins to feel familiar against his lips. His heart aches from the disappointment and frustration in Felix’s sobs.

 

If they don’t have classes the next day, Felix drags Changbin out to party after party, dressed in all black because it’s “slimming” and colors make him nervous. Changbin follows along because he doesn’t trust anyone, not even their best friends, to take care of his boyfriend throughout the night. Felix always drinks himself to the brink of blacking out and, more often than not, he ends up passed out in the taxi cab home. Changbin spends these quiet rides watching the city lights fly past, lost in thought.

 

As awful as it sounds, a small— _very_ small—part of Changbin likes when Felix gets lost in alcohol because it’s only then that the younger forgets his insecurities and can dance freely, laugh openly. He can kiss Changbin without inhibition, like he finally thinks he’s good enough for him. The Felix that comes out during these late nights gives Changbin some hope. Somewhere in the boy he loves is a person capable of happiness and confidence.

 

 

 

 

This week has been pretty good so far. It’s Friday already and Felix has eaten regularly every day, although sometimes the portion sizes draw concerned looks from his friends. The other day when Changbin smiled at him after arriving late to Stats 201, their only shared class, he had returned the gesture with a smile of his own. His first genuine smile in a while, Changbin recalls. Changbin has come to realize that it’s best not to get his hopes up every time the blonde shows improvement because it’s not that simple, but still, he can’t help but feel a small spark of excitement each time.

 

Tonight, in typical collegiate fashion, they’re planning to pre-game at their friend Chan’s place with some other friends and then head to a party or club. Before he forgets, Changbin decides to text Chan to coordinate how much alcohol to buy.

 

 **Changbin:** is 2 handles enough?

 **Chan:** yeah should be

 **Chan:** just the usual people

 **Changbin:** okay

 **Chan:** wait, get an extra

 **Chan:** 2 of jisung’s friends from hs are coming too. they go to a college nearby apparently?

 

As he enters the liquor store, Changbin furrows his eyebrows at Chan’s text. Jisung, Felix’s best friend and roommate, is the only other student at their college who went to the same high school as them. Their high school was small enough where Changbin knew nearly everyone in both his and Felix’s years. Curious, he hits reply.

 

 **Changbin:** who exactly?

 **Chan:** not sure, jisung just said he bumped into them recently

 **Chan:** but i’ll ask

 

A moment later, his phone vibrates.

 

 **Chan:** jisung says seungmin? i think that’s how you spell it

 **Chan:** and hyunjin

 

Changbin almost drops the bottle he’s holding. Seungmin took a music class with him once so they get along fine, but Hyunjin…

 

Hyunjin is Felix’s ex-boyfriend who he had dated throughout most of high school. Their on-and-off relationship had been notoriously messy, probably made worse by the gossip that followed the popular couple around everywhere. The aloof soccer star and the always smiling dancer. People couldn’t get enough of the rumors surrounding the imperfect yet perfect couple, ranging from lack of acceptance from their conservative families to even more concerning allegations of cheating and abuse.

 

Felix refuses to even speak Hyunjin’s name much less discuss their relationship, but Changbin has an inkling that it had a part to play in Felix’s issues now. All he knows for certain is that he doesn’t like the kid one bit.

 

As the cashier throws a cursory glance at his fake ID, he thinks that maybe they can just skip tonight and avoid any trouble.

 

 

 

 

“Can I come in?” Changbin asks, standing outside Felix’s door. He enters after receiving a muffled reply from Jisung. Felix, who is sitting on Jisung’s bed watching his friend play a computer game, sticks out his tongue in greeting.

 

“How was your day?”

 

Changbin opts to just pull a face and shrug. He collapses on the bed and hooks his chin on his boyfriend’s slender shoulder. It feels a little too bony. He playfully blows puffs of air at the blonde’s neck to try to pull his attention from the computer game. Felix jerks away, whining _it’s ticklish_.

 

Jisung wrinkles his nose at their "obnoxious PDA," as he snidely calls it. “It’s been such a long week. I had like 5 papers to write and probably failed every single one of them. I’m going to get _so_ shitfaced tonight and try to forget about how useless and stupidly stressful my English major is.”

 

Felix laughs, “I _told_ you to do business with me but you’re too into all that liberal artsy stuff.” He pauses thoughtfully, “Same though, I had such a stressful week. I'm excited to go out.”

 

It doesn’t seem like Felix knows about the special guests, which Changbin is surprised about because Jisung is usually a loudmouth.

 

“Hey babe,” he mumbles, a little hesitant, “I guess Jisung forgot to tell you but Seungmin and Hyunjin from high school will be there tonight.”

 

Felix freezes at the mention of Hyunjin’s name. Out of the corner of his eye, Changbin sees Jisung pause his game, expression uneasy. For a few moments, the room is completely silent and tense but even when Jisung lets out an awkward cough and continues his game, Felix remains unmoving.

 

“Well, fuck,” his boyfriend finally mutters.

 

Jisung speaks up after gauging Felix’s tone to be more neutral than angry, “I was going to tell you but-“

 

“It’s fine, it was a long time ago.”

 

“We don’t have to go tonight. We can just go to a bar somewhere and have a chill night,” Changbin offers.

 

“No, I swear it’s fine,” Felix shakes his head adamantly. “He’s like a complete stranger at this point.” It was pretty obvious from his shaky tone though that it wasn't fine, at all.

 

Changbin feels the slight burn of jealousy when he notices a dusting of pink on Felix’s cheeks. He knows the younger is probably flushed from the uncomfortable conversation, but it still annoys Changbin that the mention of Hyunjin’s name can have an effect on Felix after all this time. Felix has been with him for four years, so what right does Hyunjin have to march into their lives so casually?

 

In a playful fit, Changbin squeezes Felix in a tight hug and rolls them both onto Jisung’s bed. Ignoring the younger’s loud shrieks of protest, he buries his face into the other’s neck and blows puffs of air at the most ticklish spots. “Stop thinking about him,” he whines in between puffs.

 

Jisung starts to protest in the background because they’re messing up his bed but they ignore him. Before long, Felix is exhausted from laughing too hard and weakly pushes him away in seriousness. Changbin immediately detaches himself, grinning.

 

Felix curls up on the bed to catch his breath. From his position now snuggled up among Jisung’s collection of plushies, he reaches out his small, almost childlike hands. Changbin feels a surge of protectiveness as he easily encloses them in his own larger hands. Felix seems so comfortable in this moment, almost vulnerable, and his face is peaceful and content. He looks happy.

 

Changbin’s heart feels warm at the sight. The moment reminds Changbin that the uphill battle against the younger's inner demons is worth it, no matter how difficult it may be, if the result is Felix's happiness.

 

“I get it, I get it. I promise he means nothing. Let’s forget about him and have fun tonight, okay?” Felix sounds confident in his words this time.

 

When Changbin nods, satisfied, Felix rolls his eyes exaggeratedly, “I swear I’m dating a 5 year old.”

 

“But you love me,” Changbin protests. Felix raises an eyebrow, but the small smile playing on his lips is hard to miss.

 

 

 

 

Changbin, Felix, Jisung, and Minho, Jisung’s boyfriend, pause outside Chan’s apartment, all eyes on Felix. When he doesn’t immediately make a move, Changbin grabs his hand and pushes open the door.

 

The first thing they see, unfortunately, is a very surprised Hyunjin poised to take a colorful jello shot. Changbin had hoped to avoid Hyunjin for as long as possible, but since when is luck on his side? Changbin feels Felix yanking on his hand from behind. He turns to find the blonde looking at him in alarm and immediately takes the hint, quickly stepping fully in front to try to cover him from sight but it’s too late.

 

“Felix?”

 

Felix’s name rolls off of Hyunjin’s tongue too easily, as though he’s forgotten about the history behind those two syllables. Hyunjin is tall and broad shouldered with a handsome face; he stands straight and confident, probably knows how attractive he is.

 

A small voice inside of Changbin’s head whispers that Hyunjin and Felix would look good together. He feels a scowl forming on his face despite willing himself to stay calm.

 

Changbin’s about to open his mouth and probably say something he’ll regret when he feels another tug. To his surprise, without a word or even glance in acknowledgment of Hyunjin, Felix quietly leads him away toward the kitchen.

 

Hyunjin is persistent though, doing a double take at being blatantly ignored before trailing after the couple into the kitchen. “Oh, come on Felix, don’t be like this. It’s been forever. If you’re still mad at me, just say it to my face!”

 

Perhaps it’s the exasperated stress on the “still” or just Hyunjin in general, but the next thing he knows Changbin has the other against the wall, his fist floating centimeters from Hyunjin’s shocked face. Realizing what he’s doing at the last second, Changbin instead slams his fist into the wall next to Hyunjin’s head and then reluctantly backs away. He stalks away with an equally shocked Felix running to catch up.

 

 

 

 

After that encounter, the party is fine. Even though the apartment is small, Changbin and Felix manage to avoid Hyunjin.

 

Changbin knocks back a few shots but spends most of the time monitoring his increasingly drunk boyfriend. Felix’s absolute limit is about eight shots spread out evenly but he’s already counted six taken in quick succession. He can tell the younger is pretty drunk when the giggles and touchiness increase. After the eighth shot, Changbin has to wrestle a ninth out of the blonde’s hands.

 

Changbin can see in the careless way Felix downs his liquor and the extra clinginess that the other boy is feeling anxious. When the pregame is coming to a close and their friends start to plan out where to go next, Felix quietly suggests that they head home instead. Changbin agrees quickly.

 

“Wait here for a second,” Felix yawns tiredly. They’re cuddling on the couch, watching as their friends slowly disperse for elsewhere. They haven’t seen Hyunjin the entire time. “I’m going to see if Chan kept the jacket I lent him in his room.”

 

Changbin makes to follow him but Felix insists he’s fine to walk on his own, demonstrating by walking a straight line in front of him, so he concedes with a laugh. Not even five minutes after Felix disappears down the hall, a frantic Jisung comes running up to him.

 

“I think Felix and Hyunjin are talking in Chan’s room right now? Hyunjin was napping inside and then I saw Felix go in-“

 

Changbin doesn’t wait for Jisung to finish, immediately running in the direction his boyfriend went. Felix with Hyunjin. Felix with his asshole of an ex in a room together.

 

When he reaches Chan’s room, he’s stopped from barging in by Felix’s deep voice floating from inside. The  blonde sounds calm and composed—he sounds like he’s okay. Changbin relaxes slightly and leans toward the door.

 

“I don’t know what you’re trying to say...”

 

There’s a pause, an inhale of breath.

 

“Felix, when I say I’m happy to see you again, it’s just that simple. And I don’t mean anything by ‘I’ve missed you’ other than I really have missed you.” Another pause. “We had our ups and downs and I know I messed up a lot, but didn’t I always make it up to you?”

 

“Hyunjin…”

 

“I think about us a lot actually. I ask myself why it was so hard—were we just too young back then? Maybe you won’t believe me, but I really wish we had worked out.”

 

To Changbin’s surprise, Hyunjin sounds sober, very sober. He also sounds completely sincere. Changbin peeks through the crack in the door to see the two seated on the edge of the bed, a couple feet apart. Felix stares at the carpet underneath his feet while Hyunjin gazes steadily at Felix’s side profile.

 

“I believe you,” Felix slowly lifts his eyes up to meet Hyunjin’s. His tone takes on an edge when he continues, “I believe you because you’ve never had trouble telling me how you feel. Do you remember calling me worthless after your mom threatened to kick you out and I tried to comfort you? You said i was ugly and hard to love when that transfer student confessed to me-“

 

“Felix-“

 

“I’m not finished,” Felix snaps. Changbin sees him fist the comforter, knuckles going white. “There was that _one time_ I chose my friends over you and you yelled at me. I don’t even remember what you called me but it was hurtful. And...homecoming? You made me wear your jacket the whole time because you said I had gotten fatter and you were embarrassed to be seen with me. That I remember clearly, even now.”

 

“I didn’t mean any of it,” Hyunjin frowns.

 

“Really? Well that’s just fucking great because you only completely fucked up my sixteen year old self. You saw in me all these terrible things and it scared me to be seen that way; to this day, I’m scared all the time.”

 

Hyunjin’s tone is careful and serious, “Felix, I swear I didn’t mean any of it. You know how my family was. Everything was terrible but then I met you and you were the one good thing I had in my life. I knew I couldn't lose you... At the time I didn't care what I had to say or do, or how much I hurt you, to make sure you stayed.”

 

Felix looks down at the ground again, eyes shinier than usual. Changbin wants to go and pull him away, but he knows this conversation needs to happen as part of Felix’s recovery process.

 

“I don’t remember everything I said but I remember making you cry a lot. There were even times I almost hit you,” Hyunjin continues somberly. “But do you get it? My words and actions were the only way I knew how to keep you for myself.”

 

“I’m not something to keep,” comes Felix’s quiet response.

 

“I know that now but back then I was young and stupid. I saw how my mom stayed with my father even after all his shit and I thought... well, I guess I really am my father’s son.”

 

Changbin has to steel himself from interrupting when he sees Felix’s hand shoot forward to give Hyunjin’s a squeeze. The blonde shakes his head furiously, “You’re _nothing_ like him. You never actually raised a hand at me and you didn't let your pride get in the way of apologizing. I could see you treasured me a lot. So don't _ever_ compare yourself to him again, okay?”

Despite learning about Hyunjin’s difficult family life, Changbin is still extremely angry. Hyunjin’s personal problems were no excuse for cutting deep scars in Felix during his impressionable teenage years, scars that still still run deep today and may never completely heal. Hyunjin was selfish, plain and simple. So what if his intentions may not have been malicious? The damage was done.

 

“But...when all’s said an done, you changed me a lot and I can’t forgive you,” letting his hand slip from the raven haired boy’s, Felix slowly stands up. A crestfallen Hyunjin stares up at him. He places a comforting hand on the other’s shoulders, “It’s fine though. I’m doing better now. I’ve moved on and so should you.”

 

Felix leaves hastily before the other can reply. He pauses for a split second in surprise when he bumps into Changbin right outside the door but continues forward without another word, knowing that his boyfriend won’t be far behind. Changbin chances one last peek back inside the room to see Hyunjin slumped over, face buried in his hands.

 

 

 

 

The following Monday morning, Changbin wakes up to blonde hair tickling his chin. He looks down sleepily to see Felix cuddled up to him, fingers splayed across his chest and little nose buried in the junction of his neck. The younger’s face is smooth, free of worry lines, but Changbin is quickly reminded of his distressed expression after they got back to from the party a few nights ago. Felix hasn’t said a word about the talk with Hyunjin the entire weekend.

 

“Babe, wake up,” he hums, lightly poking Felix’s slender waist. The blonde has always been a light sleeper, so he's awake within seconds. They cuddle for a few more minutes before crawling out of bed to get ready for class.

 

Changbin walks Felix to the business school since it's on the way to his music theory class. He’s about to kiss the blonde goodbye when he catches sight of a tall, familiar figure out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Hyunjin?” Felix sounds as confused as he is. Hyunjin pushes himself off the wall and approaches, cutting right in between the two of them as if Changbin doesn't exist.

 

“Hi, how are you?”

 

Changbin sneers at the other’s seemingly innocent question. He has no reason to be here. He doesn't even go to their university. Reaching across Hyunjin to grab Felix’s thin wrist, Changbin drags his boyfriend into the building before the conversation can continue and walks him all the way to his classroom. By the time he's back outside, Hyunjin is gone.

 

 

 

 

Hyunjin returns the next day. And the next. And the next. He doesn't press for a response and always leaves soon after.

 

 

 

 

On Fridays, Changbin doesn’t have classes so Felix usually walks to campus alone. He insists on going with the younger since Hyunjin will definitely be there waiting again, but he’s met with a shake of his boyfriend’s head and a stern, “I can take care of myself”. Changbin can only reluctantly let him go, texting him frequently for updates. At one point, Felix doesn't reply for a while and, when he finally does, Changbin feels his stomach drop.

 

 **Felix:** i'm meeting with hyunjin today for a quick lunch. he wants to talk things through a bit more.

 

 **Felix:** don’t worry babe.

 

Changbin stares at the texts for a while with a growing sense of unease.

 

 

 

 

When Felix enters his dorm room, it’s already three in the afternoon. The blonde shuffles over to his bed, plopping down next to Changbin, who pointedly ignores him. After a few moments of silence, Felix reaches out to hug him.

 

It feels warm but Changbin doesn’t give in like he usually does. Honestly, he’s hurt that Felix met up with Hyunjin and thinks it’s okay to show up in his room so nonchalantly afterward. He hasn’t spoken to a single one of his own exes so he was expecting the same from Felix, especially because it’s Hyunjin. Hyunjin, who the younger knows he doesn’t like and, quite frankly, who Felix should never want to see again too.

 

“Changbin, I’m sorry. Don’t be angry.”

 

When he doesn’t reply, the other continues, “He just wanted to talk more about what I said at the party. I know you were listening…”

 

“Okay, so how’d it go?” Changbin can’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

 

“It went okay… We talked a lot about everything. I think now we both understand more clearly why our relationship didn’t work out. I also explained to him some of my issues that I’ve been struggling with these past few years. He’s really, really sorry. You don’t have to worry, Changbin-ah, he just wanted to set things right with me.”

 

“Why are you being like this?”

 

Felix sobers up immediately at Changbin’s harsh tone. He rarely speaks to the younger like that; even when they argue, he doesn’t lash out.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What I mean is, why are you so forgiving? Have you already forgotten about the past few years? You cut yourself, you can’t eat properly, you’re clinically depressed, maybe you’re an alcoholic at this point too, I don’t fucking know! I’m worried to death about you every day and it‘s because of _him_. Yeah, things spiraled out of control but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still the beginning of it all. So why in the fucking world are you giving him another chance?”

 

Changbin is nearly shouting by the end of his rant but he keeps a distance so as not to frighten the other boy. He’s not sorry at all because it had to be said. When the emotions running in the room die down a bit, Changbin notices a flash of guilt in the younger’s eyes. So, it seems he’s right. Felix really has forgiven Hyunjin. Despite all of the pain the latter has caused, Felix is able to forgive Hyunjin after some empty words over lunch _._

 

"I'm not giving him another chance. I only want to be with you and you know that.”

 

“Then can you promise not to talk to him again? You know I usually wouldn’t ask this but please, just this once, for me, can you promise?” _Please say yes._ If Felix agrees they can stop arguing (they rarely argue so this is exhausting) and move on. Instead, Felix shakes his head timidly; he’s staring at Changbin with wide eyes, waiting for his reaction.

 

“Why the fuck not?”

 

Felix tries to close the distance between them but Changbin steps out of his reach. The younger gulps nervously, “Hyunjin needs me, just as a friend, someone who can be there for him. He- he told me he almost killed himself back when we ended things because he felt like there’s no purpose to his life. I had no idea…”

 

“He’s manipulating you,” the older bites back mercilessly, “This is the most classic emotional manipulation. God, Felix, you’re so smart but you can’t even see through his obvious bullshit?”

 

“He’s had it hard, harder than you or me. His father was abusive and his mom blamed him for everything. That was the kind of relationship he grew up, so how could he have known how to act with me? I don’t expect you to get it but-“

 

“You’re right,” Changbin cuts in. He can’t continue listening to this. “I don’t get it because there’s nothing to get. He’s not your responsibility. You certainly don’t owe him anything. He hurt you, plain and simple, and continuing to be around him will just ruin the progress we’ve made. He _abused_ you, like his father did to him.”

 

“Don’t compare him to his old man,” Felix defends. Changbin can’t believe his ears—he said all of that and the one thing Felix reacts to the comparison of Hyunjin to his father. For the first time in a long time, he feels completely completely at odds with the younger, a foreign feeling because they’re usually in agreement or at least on the same page. He wants to settle the growing tension between them but doesn’t know how to without giving into Felix and his stance on Hyunjin isn’t something he’s willing to compromise on.

 

“Even though he didn’t hit you, mental and emotional abuse is still abuse. It can even be worse.”

 

“Changbin, I just want to check up on him sometimes. It’s not a big deal. Why can’t you be more understanding?”

 

“Are you serious? Why can’t _I_ be more understanding? That’s all I’ve been for the past four years but okay, let me tell you why I don’t want to be understanding this time: I only care about you, not Hyunjin. Honestly, I can’t believe with all the shit he’s done to you he still has the nerve to appear in front of you again. He can fuck off. I don’t care what the fuck happens to him.”

 

And because he’s on a roll and a complete idiot who can’t control his emotions, Changbin presses on, “If you’re going to defend him and insist on helping him or whatever, then you can fuck off too. Go back to him for all I care, do what you want.”

 

“Changbin-“

 

“I’m tired,” the older says coldly, “Maybe I’m done caring. Just leave, please.” Even as the words are leaving his mouth, Changbin regrets them. The two of them nearly never fight so, now that they are, he can’t help but defer more to his impulsive side than the reasonable voice in his head coaxing him to calm down. The voice tells him to wipe Felix’s tear stained cheeks and stop him from walking out the door; when the door swings shut with a soft _click_ , the voice urges him to chase after his most precious person before it’s too late. Instead, Changbin stares at the closed door until long after his chance to make it right has come and gone.

 

 

 

 

Changbin skips the next few days of class to mope in his room. He turns his fight with Felix over and over again in his head, analyzing every moment and word he can remember until he thinks he’s gone crazy. He can’t think clearly. He’s angry and hurt and sad. He feels the most helpless he’s ever felt.

 

Felix calls and texts incessantly the first day until Changbin turns off his phone. In case the younger tries to come see him in person, he goes so far as to tell the front desk at his dorm to bar the younger. The next day, when he checks his phone, he sees fifteen from various friends and zero from Felix.

 

Changbin knows the right thing to do is to find Felix and talk. They can get over this argument and, now that he’s cooled off, Changbin is even ready to compromise on the issue with Hyunjin. However, he’s filled with a heavy dread that prevents him from doing anything besides curl up in bed and overthink.

 

In all their years together, through all of the ups and downs, the one constant has been their feelings for each other. There has never been any insecurity or hesitancy, no inhibitions toward being wholly themselves. The current situation is foreign, unnavigated territory. Changbin doesn’t know how to resolve the sudden lack of confidence he has in Felix’s feelings for him. He doesn’t even know if they’re broken up or giving each other space. Perhaps the biggest reason why he hasn’t reached out is the paralyzing fear that when he sees Felix the younger boy will confirm that they’re over and he too is done caring. Changbin figures that he can avoid the possibility by simply hiding under his covers forever.

 

Unfortunately, his increasingly worried friends won’t have it. Chan and Woojin swing by just as his stockpile of instant microwavable meals are on the verge of running out. He doesn’t even turn over in bed to acknowledge their noisy entrance.

 

“Changbin, you can’t keep skipping class and wasting your days like this. It’s unhealthy,” Chan scolds.

 

Woojin is a bit gentler, “We’re really worried about you. Come on, get out of bed, Chan and I will treat you to that soondubu place you like.”

 

Changbin shakes his head and burrows deeper. He squeezes his eyes shut, hoping they’ll give up and leave him alone. A moment later, he feels his bed dip as both of his friends sit on the edge. Another moment later, his comforter is being forcefully yanked away, their concerned eyes peering down at him.

 

“What exactly happened?” Woojin asked quietly.

 

He stops to think for a moment. How does he begin to explain? “We broke up. I think.”

 

“You _think_?” Chan raises an eyebrow. Changbin nods, unsure.

 

“Does it have something to do with Hyunjin?” Again, Changbin nods, unsure. He doesn’t miss the strange look that passes between his friends.

 

“Did something happen that I should know about?”

 

Woojin shakes his head a little too quickly, “No, but has Felix tried to contact you?”

 

Changbin realizes with a start that he’s been so preoccupied moping that he’s forgotten about the silence on Felix’s end after the first day of texts and calls. He hasn’t thought about what the other boy may be up to. Does the sunny blonde miss him too? Is he locked up in his room crying? Changbin’s heart clenches slightly at the thought—Felix is a crybaby, after all.

 

He then recalls his friends’ strange shared look at the mention of Hyunjin. The uneasy feeling settling in his stomach is becoming all too familiar.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments & kudos are appreciated~♡
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/smileyfelix) / [tumblr](https://smileyfelix.tumblr.com)


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